livestrong

I’m really sorry for not posting for so long. So here are some of the updates:

1. The ultrasound scan I did recently showed that my infection sites (fungus) were slightly smaller, but is still not safe to undergo any chemo yet.
2. Fungi are said to be more “stubborn” and may take quite a while before it can be got rid of. So I’ll have to wait wait and wait for a few more weeks, or maybe months.
3. I’m pretty much going crazy soon due to boredom, loneliness and isolation.
4. I slack most of the time at home (tv, computer games, wii, reading) and found out that I suck in dota.
5. I also self-study a bit which was most of the time, unproductive.
6. My new hair, which has already grown quite a lot, is much thinner and smoother than the one I had months ago.
7. I am now extremely sick of needles and poking. It freaks me out sometimes. SERIOUSLY.

Despite all these, I still believe that I’m blessed:)

Sorry I haven’t been updating lately.

By the way, I did a scan recently but unfortunately, the infection site hasn’t got any smaller. So I got a change in medication, which is said to be more effective against the type of fungi in the body. And hopefully it will work, please.

I’ve spent so much time waiting for one piece of good news but all I got are just vague answers, to wait and see. Maybe the right time hasn’t come for me yet.

I NEED PATIENCE.

Seriously, I have been at home for so long that I’ve run out of things to do. At this rate I’m going, I think I won’t be of any difference as those who just waste their lives away. I feel hollow inside. No motivation, no anticipation, no sense of accomplishment, no nothing.

Perhaps this is just one of my bad days.

Do all wonderful things really happen when we’re not aware of them?

hellyeah.

Sometimes, I think my life really sucks.

I’m fooled to believe that everything is going to end by next year after doing the transplant. But I was way too wrong. Just when everything seems to have settled down, when I’m so damn prepared to go for it, something crops up in the last minute. As not all of my organs are clean, or should I say free from any bacteria of fungal, I’m definitely not yet suitable to go for risky procedures like the transplant itself as the fungal may flare up again when I’m immunosuppressed, and during that time it would surely be more serious. Thus, most likely I guess my transplant is going to be postponed. And that I will have to do a fourth chemo because the doctors feel that such a long gap without any treatment is unsafe.

Right now, I’m resigned. I know it may be a blessing in disguise, but I really hate this feeling of disappointment. I think half of my heart has already given up; but the other half will still remain hopeful, hoping that a miracle would happen- cause i really wanna return to school so bad.

Congratulations to those who were promoted during the muster parade yestersday. Especially those who made it to STAFF SGT!!!

How i wish i could achieve it someday. Although i know it’s like 99% impossible.

p.s. and i’m officially 37th position in class ranking. not surprising though.

Went for dental check-up today.

Luckily, I don’t have any cavities to fill or tooth to extract. Just some minor discolouring on the teeth that are not that urgent to deal with. Did a dental x-ray anyway to make sure that my teeth are alright, which i later found out there are 3 wisdom tooth in my gum that apparently aren’t growing yet. O.o

Pre-transplant period is hectic. I have been going back to hospital almost every day for check-ups and appointments, just to make sure that everything is okay before I can be given the green light to proceed on for BMT. I just did my lung function test, heart ultrasound and x-ray today. So far, the results are fine and I hope it will continue this way.

Recently, i started reading My Sister’s Keeper by Jodi Picoult.

My Sister’s Keeper tells the tale of Sara Fritzgerald’s daughther Kate, who is just two years old when she is diagnosed with a rare form of leukemia. Since no one in her family is a match for Kate, they are left with only one option: creating another baby, specifically designed to save her sister. For Sara, it seems to be the ideal solution. Not only does Kate lives, she gets a new daughter, Anna, too. However, aged thirteen, Anna has decided that she doesn’t want to help Kate live anymore. She is suing her parents for the rights to her own body.

Before i read this book, I’ve heard great things about it. And reading it, I wasn’t disappointed at all. The story is heartbreaking and highly gripping, and you will realise that there is no right or wrong answers to this dilemma. For those who are looking for a worthy book, this one is a rarity.

Someone told me that one year in a lifetime is insignificant, and that friends can be made again. Yeah true. But frankly, I do miss the life i used to have. Though in reality, it’s just a few months, but to me it seems like years. I’m still trying to learn to let go, beacause there’s no point dwelling on what might have been anymore. it is only when one can truly move on and embrace the future.